alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Drunk is not a location!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
