peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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