some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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