Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
