how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
