I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
