Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
