"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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