i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
