It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize