im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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