Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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