Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
