apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
