I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
