Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
