JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
