I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
