I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
