2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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