Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just pynch a tree in the face
That's when you crack a 10am beer
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
