i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
