She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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