i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
