halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hippo gnu deer
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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