Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
