Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
