the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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