Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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