I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
