my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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