strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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