Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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