apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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