you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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