your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
