I'm really into asian looking animals
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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