my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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