Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
