Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
