Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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