My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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