I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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