I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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