shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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