Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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