Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
