his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
