I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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