I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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