Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
