That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
