Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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